A desire to achieve

As the picture above says ^^^^^

I wouldn't say anyone has wronged me... I have wronged myself...
There's nothing wrong with making effort in any relationship you are in (family, friends, romantic etc...) but if there's no effort on the other end then maybe you should stop.
I don't regret the people okay I regret wasting my time with a few people but overall it was my fault.
You create an image of a person in your head which in reality you shouldn't because its stupid they are human beings. Anyways what I'm trying to say is, I expected too much from certain people and in return because of my idiotic-ness (thats not a word but meh) I was disappointed.

I try so hard to forget things like that but it all comes back rushing to my head. It really does hurt honestly its the worst feeling in the entire world... a wave of dark cloud that consumes you whole. For minutes, hours even days you are left in a bliss of dark, negative thoughts: so much so it seduces you to think in the most pessimistic way, where you contemplate everything that has ever gone wrong in your life. It ends eventually, the tears dry up and you start to slowly numb again but then its evoked again. Its dangerous to think like this because at times I can't control myself. Whether its over-eating, under-eating, staying up or taking medication to try and sleep.
Its good that I have one friend that distracts me from some of this but at times its annoying because sometimes we just sit there with nothing to say and that friend expects you to come up with things to say its like I'm trying so hard with this fake smile and you are asking me for more topics to discuss.

I realize I am my very own enemy, I have read several books, articles to try to get over it but its like I want to do this to myself. The stressful thinking about the future, then bringing up the past as reference. Its horrible so much is expected of me yet I still look to the past. Its hard to forget certain things... those things are like venom that leave scars on you forever.
All the stuff that has happened to me in the last two years have really did take a toll on me...
I began to think of myself as worthless, ugly, insignificant, weak, 100x amplified than before because that unexpected hurt you got from a person you thought the world of.  Man everything is so deceiving. Sigh* anyways I'm coping its fair to say because more is expected of me..
I should probably stop thinking like this but it hurts I rather be punched a million times than to feel any of this... oh the stupidity....
Well at least its all over now...... its not foolish to fall in love but its very foolish to fall in love with a vision that doesn't exist.
stupid stupid girl!

Let's start again

So Blogger... I had forgotten all about you...

Why was that>?

The reason for this was my lack of interest in typing up my rants, I have to admit Twitter's 140 characters seem much more appealing.
Well life directed me in weird directions where I honestly couldn't see myself updating blogs on absolutely nothing...

Yet here I am trying it out again..
Why?
I suffer from Chronic fatigue syndrome, which in any case is no biggie, I admit.
Other a drastic LIFESTYLE CHANGE or use of medication.
I was advised to change my lifestyle and to be honest that's what I have been trying to do.

So what have I achieved since last time I wrote.

Currently I am 20 years old..  will turn 21 on the 21st of September.
Will I celebrate my birthday? probably not... who will I invite? and what will I do?
I don't think I deserve to celebrate my existence.
Long gone are those days when I was a young kid who thought the world revolved around me.
Now is completely different I just want to be a good daughter.

It sounds sad and extremely pathetic to say but the people of this world have sucked any desire for me to live for myself. Sounds harsh but its reality... I never promised to be optimistic in this blog either...
No one knows what my life is really like but everyone likes to act like they do... YOU KNOW NOTHING!! :P
Hey I can't complain too much because luckily I have a family, shelter, food and all the basic necessities. My parents do their best for us and I appreciate that!
I'm under great pressure to try and compensate them for the trouble I have caused them.
I feel nothing will be enough :( they deserve so much better yet they were blessed with a curse known as me... but still I will try my BEST to make them happy.
If I make my parents happy then I will make myself happy, so in reality I'm selfish :P

My parents went through a lot and still are..
I don't want to mention the past too much but it is equally important for me to prove to myself and others to do something.

Is there more to life..then I think?

Sometimes I wonder could dreams come true??
but what if they were mostly nightmares, would they come true...
I don't know what to do theres so much we want from life and so much we can't have...
Why Must we be forced to think what others think, what I want and what I need is completely different right?
What if what you want is what you need to survive? ugh life is just tragic sometimes but what is worse when people tell you to hold on?? when you know that you won't...
ugh I wish things were just easier.. not much positive I know? but still I can never get what im looking for ugh I better go study, if I want to go to college and have a career{which I doubt it} I use to be the same girl wishing for someone to lurve, yearn for a hand that picks me up and doesn't take his hand back? but from like those movies Popstar and No.1 Bigggest fan or something where celebrities young popstar just end up in your house unexpected if kinda hmm as you say fictional? any chance Adam Levine can come over? nahhh his 30 and wayyy older then me...yeh I don't know what im on about maybe possibly because my sister is watching Popstar{the movie} in my room and I saw glimpses of it...

I have tried many things in my life like playing guitar,writing stories, or setting a group youtube account and basically watching all of these things crash and burned.....
ugh im fed up of being a miserable loser im going to go study and yeah basically not do anything else....
pleh thanks everybody you shouldn't have read this at all just meaningless semantics typed up, a little negativity here and there but jah venting is great for the soul....
so bye and thanks!!!
~Hopeless Fiya............